FLY ON THE WALL

Sriram’s called me to his office upstairs. I'm not feeling too good about this because, it is just a few minutes AFTER Sriram's caught me Facebooking/G-talking – AGAIN – instead of working. AGAIN being the bazillionth time AFTER I've been explicitly told that Facebooking/G-talking was against office policy.

Oh GULP.

Stupid Office Policy.

CS gets another call and he pops his head over the partition. I’m wanted in the office NOW.

My back sweating slightly, I walk upstairs trying to school my face into a mask of innocence.

Sriram’s on the phone and he motions me to sit down while he doodles on his diary and takes the call. “Oh Goody”, I think, “More time to stew.”

I decide that the plan was going to be, DENY EVERYTHING. Deny even having a Facebook/G-talk account. And the guiltier I am, the more vehemently I would deny all charges.

As plans went, I realized that there were more holes than plan in mine, but at least I felt armed.

Sriram’s doodle now covered an entire page. Looked like he was designing something for a carpet manufacturer. A carpet manufacturer who hopefully didn't have eyes.

The call ended and Sriram turns around to smile at me.

(That’s a good sign …. Isn’t it? Smiling? GULP)

“Edel. I’ve thought of something. You’re addicted to Facebook. Looks like there’s nothing we can do about that. So how about if we use it for our advantage? Synamen’s advantage?”

Eh?

“You remember the new marketing strategies and ideas you came up with to promote PROHIVE?”

Vaguely.

“So write a blog about us. About Synamen. About PROHIVE. About how you feel working in this office, being the only fe – er – woman here. Tell all your Facebook friends to read it. And if they are anything like you, they’ll promote it to others during their office hours (That’s hitting below the belt, I thought. True, but hitting below the belt nevertheless) We could use all the help we can get just about now.”

Sooooooooo ……..

I look at Sriram and Sriram looks at me.

“What?”

I blink. “Er. Nothing. This is unexpected that’s all”

“Well I had to think of some way to use your addiction to our advantage.”

OUCH.

Cheap-shot that.

So I’m now sitting in front of my ‘puter and writing this. BLOG.

A blog about my office and my colleagues. A fly on the wall account of what happens everyday.

Hmmmmmm. This could well turn-out to be very interesting.

New FB Status Message: ‘I have the coolest job in the whole world. I’m going to write a Blog about my office and get paid for it too’

Sriram rolls his eyes as he passes my booth. Ooops.

HOW DIFFERENT THE WORLD WOULD BE IF THERE WERE ONLY MEN AROUND

When you are the only woman in an office bursting at the seams with men, you can’t help but marvel at the difference between the genders.

Men are different from women.

I mean like totally!

- For instance, they don’t care if someone else takes their chair. I even conducted an experiment so I know I’m not lying. When they were off for their lunch, I randomly re-arranged their chairs. When they came back, they sat down, and went to work. No fire-works. No shocked exclamations.

That’s how strange men are.

Women would have felt something different in a jiffy, exclaimed loudly and gone about sitting on one chair after another till they found the one that was theirs.

- Men don’t decorate their work-space. No posters, no gem-stone stickers on their computers, no pictures of their dogs, no colorful pen-stands, no nothing.

- When men work, they don’t talk. They walk in, remove their wallets from their back-pockets, lay that on the table and start pounding away at the computer.

- Men don’t care for cushions. If the world was filled with just men, there wouldn’t be any cushions in it. And nothing frilly and fluffy either. They also don’t care to carry chap-sticks and hand-creams.

- Men answer questions directly and to the point.

- They offer to share their food with you.

(I don’t.)

- When you take photos of men, they gamely pose and let you get on with it. There’s no ‘I’m having a bad hair day!’ or ‘Let me powder my face first!’ wails.

- They flatten themselves against the walls when you pass them on a narrow hallway.

- When you ask them technical questions they use the, ‘I’m talking to a special-needs-6-year-old’ voice to explain.

- They don’t interrupt each other when they talk.

- No matter what they wear, all their clothes look the same.

- Their phones do a lot more stuff than mine and look fancier too.

- They are better at hiding Facebook/G-talk on their computers.

INTERVIEW ?

I met Sriram about a year ago – in August 2008 - when I joined his Cuban salsa course. My sister Princy, was his fellow instructor and I was promised free classes. I had recently quit being a doctor and was listlessly drifting through life.

I wasn’t complaining though.

Sriram bounded in – late, as usual – like an energizer-bunny and started class.

Things I noticed about Sriram off-the-bat:-

- he talked a lot [a lot more than any man I’ve ever known]

- had way too much energy than he knew what to do with

- was built like a truck

- he was firm without being strict and made sure everyone KNEW the steps before they left class – and I mean EVERYONE.

- and he had a bad back

He lay down on the ground after class, groaning like T-rex, complaining about his back-ache. ‘What do you think I should do doc?’

So we have an impromptu consultation and then he asked me what I’d been doing to keep myself occupied.

Princy jumped in with, “She likes to write. She writes all the time”

He looked up at me perched on the window-sill, from where he lay on the dance-floor, like a vanquished wrestler and said, “You know what? I may have something for you. I have a web-tech company and we’re launching this search engine that’s centered on India and India’s needs. It’s called 'Yo Monk'.”

He went on to explain 'Yo Monk' to me in great detail and I actually understood little bits and pieces of it, here and there. Mostly I just nodded sagely and he assumed I knew a lot more than I actually did.

As we walked-out to the elevator, Sriram said, “We should have coffee sometime next week and we’ll discuss your pay and your work in greater detail”

(Eh? Did I just get a job?)

A couple of weeks later, Sriram walked into the Coffee house – late – and launched into another soliloquy about 'Yo Monk'. I’d had 2 weeks to get used to the whole ‘I’m employed again feeling’, even though I had no clue what I would do, or how I would do, that which I didn’t understand fully.

He illustrated on a piece of paper - till it shreaded - and punched the air with his pen and talked passionately, for almost an hour.

I was completely over-whelmed.

I have no computer back-ground, no technical knowledge, no ambition and would hate to mess this up.

(Oh help!!!!)

“You can work from home or you can come to our Synamen (OUR SYNAMEN?!?) office. That’s entirely up to you. We can e-mail you the content we need modifying and you can e-mail the finished product back to us.”

(Oh help!!!!)

I nodded – not knowing fully what I was nodding to.

“Great! That’s settled then” (It is?) “Now about your pay. An editor (I’m an EDITOR?!?) in a regular company usually takes home about 30 grand a month Edel. We can’t afford that. What we can pay you is X and when we grow – and I guarantee you we will, one way or other – you will get what’s your due.” (My due? I have a ‘due’?)

“Er … okay.” I mumbled like an idiot.

“Look Edel, it’s like this. I have no clue if what Synamen’s about to do will work or not. If it does, GREAT! If it doesn’t, we’ll shrug, smile stupidly and walk away knowing that at least we tried. But at the end of the day, we would have tried and that’s what will differentiate us from the 85% who never will.”

Sriram walked out saying he was – surprise, surprise – late for another meeting and I mulled over what he’d just said.

Maybe ……………

THE STORY OF HOW ‘THE CALLING BELL’ CAME TO BE

Once upon a time there was a young man called Mahesh. He worked for Odyssey, taking care of their warehouse in Kottivakkam … the warehouse building managed by a young man called Sriram. His dad actually owns the place.

Their paths cross one day – er – not very dramatically I’m afraid (Dang! But wouldn’t it have been amazing is Mahesh had pushed Sriram out of the way of a speeding truck or saved him from being attacked by vicious dogs or something? Don’t these guys know that I have to write a blog about them and the material they give me is so blah sometimes? No fore-thought for these men, I tell you …. Hey! That can be my new status update on Facebook “Employers have no fore-thought”)

So they meet and smile in passing, as people tend to do [Please read-on in spite of the yawns. I promise you, it gets interesting]

One day the Odyssey people decide that they want to vacate the premise and Mahesh is in a fix. He’s a young man with a family to support! So – enterprisingly – he hands over his CV to Sriram who wants to employ Mahesh – in the newly-moved-in Synamen office in Nungambakkam - but doesn’t know what to employ him as.

Mahesh makes it easy by saying, “I’ll do any job sir!”

Obviously the trend in Synamen being, ‘No Conventional Interviews’ – remember how I got MY job? – Mahesh becomes the receptionist with a flashy green wall behind him and a funky curved table in front.

So every morning (Ahem - or afternoon - as the case maybe) when I walk through the door, there’s the sweetest guy to smile at, on entering the office.

Then suddenly something happened!

Vasanth – our designer – was leaving us! Vasanth is a young boy, who was studying in an Animation College in the evenings (who seemed terrified of me, for some strange reason) and he was looking for work. Obviously my 3 Bosses came to his rescue. They offered him a job – as usual - and paid him a salary for an entire year. Their logic being, ‘Ethethukko panam sellavu pannurom. Oru payyan munnukku vara sellavu pannuna nallathuthane?’ {We spend money on so many things. If we spend that on one young man’s progress, that’s good isn’t it?} Oh did I mention that Vasanth put no product out the entire year he was in Synamen?

Now Vasanth was leaving, and Mahesh – who had expressed an interest in wanting to join the IT team - got Vasanth’s computer and a new post as the HTML guy … Because:

A] There was now a spare computer - and we hate waste ;)

B] Bosses have not employed anyone recently and were feeling bored ….. So decided to launch ‘Synamen’s Employee Development Program’ with Mahesh.

But that left a vacant receptionist place, and that means anyone can enter the office unawares, and steal … er … nothing.

Oh, or maybe hold us all hostage! What? That COULD happen!

Which is when the Bosses came-up with the idea for - “A Calling Bell for the Office” and a 'Locked Door at all times' policy.

Now …. This is how men’s mind work. They like anything with wires and switches. They like to ‘build’ stuff and make things work. The bigger the mess they make – the more important it is that which they are doing. They like to talk technical and they all like to pitch-in.

(We women would just call an electrician and be done with it, but mention THAT and you have stepped on some seriously tender man-toes!)

So they all make man-noises, pound themselves importantly on their man-chests and promptly decide that The Calling Bell would be installed by them.

Because they are Electronics and Communication Engineers, on top of being men. Potent, killer-combination that!

(I just noticed that we have no Fire Extinguishers and Emergency Exits in this office!!!! HEALP!!)

THE CALLING BELL

Major crisis at the Synamen office.

The Calling Bell is being installed!!!! (What are we going to do? What are we going to do?)

Personally I don’t see what the fuss is all about.

But as I walk-up the flight of stairs that leads to the office, there’s Vijay fiddling with an impressive bunch of colorful wires that look like they’ve exploded from inside the switch box.

“What are you doing Vijay?”

“Installing The Calling Bell” he replies, smiling vaguely in my direction while concentrating on the wires.

“Oh right” I mumble stupidly and walk in. (I didn’t know that Mahesh was no longer the receptionist till later… Tcha …. No one tells me anything around here!)

The office is in a mild up-roar. The men all file past my booth on their way out to watch Vijay fiddle with the wires.

Chuck-it! I’m going to watch as well!

Three things become apparent immediately.

1] Vijay is no electrician

2] No one in the office is an electrician

3] They all want to fiddle with the wires

“The blue wire is the live one”

“What does the yellow do?”

“Connect this lead to that … like this. Right. Now ring the bell”

The light comes on.

“Oh”

Then another flurry of activity, advice and fur-flying.

“Can’t you guys just call an electrician and be done with it?” Of course everyone pretends to not hear me and I stand around – the only one content to just watch and not pitch in – feeling silly for being blessed with common-sense.

It sounds like a bull charging around a china-shop and Sriram enters. Oh no!

He grabs the spanner-thingy from Vijay and looks at the wires very intelligently. He crosses one wire with the next – in spite of Vijay’s “Anna, we’ve tried this before” - and asks Mahesh to turn the switch on from the inside.

The light comes on.

“Oh”

The tea arrives and they all stand around sipping tea and looking thoughtful while tossing technical terms about, which would have been impressive if they hadn’t all just managed to turn the light-bulb on instead of installing The Calling Bell.

“Wouldn’t the house owner be mad that you guys are going to town with his wires?” – I’m ignored of course.

“Maybe you should just call the house-owner and get him to look at this” – What am I? Invisible?

Sriram leaves –Phew! – because he’s late for an appointment (Big Surprise that) and Shreeram takes over – Oh no! He’s very studious and has an elaborate chat with Vijay – who’s progressively beginning to act like a proud parent with the wires. They criss-cross the wires this way and that and finally Shreeram walks away stating that we should just knock loudly and pray to be let in.

CS takes over now – and I thought he was the sanest of the bunch! Vijay proudly explains how, no matter what they do, the light always comes on, but The Calling Bell never rings. CS, rakes his hair a couple of times and then runs his fingers down his face a few times in agony. “This is such a waste of time!” and walks away.

WOW …. There IS some reason left in the world after-all.

2 days later the electrician comes in and installs The Calling Bell. For 50 Rupees.

Poor Vijay!

PAY DAY

I know I will be the last one to get paid in my office.

How do I know this? This is how ……..

It was week number 3 of the month before and I was yet to get paid.

Did they forget? Are they ignoring me? Are they punishing me for Facebooking so much?

What????

I send an e-mail to Sriram. “Hey Boss, may I please get paid for last month? I need money for petrol”

I hit “SEND” and THEN feel like poop!

I mean c’mon! These guys work so hard and are in the office day in and day out, working 16 hours at a stretch sometimes, to launch PROHIVE and here I am adding one more burden to their overflowing bag of woes!

Shreeram, CS and Sriram haven’t had a pay-cheque in 2 years!!!!!

What kind of a leach am I?

I’m low. Lower than a snake’s belly-button.

These guys are doing something with their lives and I’m drifting along … on my good days!

How can I be so mean and un-understanding? So callous? So un-charitable? So un-Christian?

I look around guiltily and try not to picture my poor bosses standing in line to sell their blood to pay me.

CS pops his head over the partition. I’m wanted upstairs.

Guilt weighing my shoulders down, I trudge the stairs and enter Sriram’s office.

He asks me sit down and proceeds to spray the room liberally with Old Spice, to remove the toilet-stench that infuses his office [the rest-room’s just across his office and these 2 rooms are each other’s ventilation]

I squirm.

Poor Boss. Can’t even afford a room-freshener!

The mental image of them standing in line to sell blood, to pay for my ‘petrol’, flashes in my mind and I wince once again. How am I going to sleep at night?

“Edel, this is how it is”

Oh help!!!!

“What little we make we’re pumping back into Synamen. There are 9 guys working their butts off for PROHIVE, because we need to launch it yesterday. Vijay needs to take care of his father’s hospital bills. Mahesh is the sole bread-winner of his family and he has twins. Thamizh annan has just had a baby. Paramaesh makes just enough to make ends meet. You …..”

GULP!!!

“…… are going to spend your money on shoes”

Clothes actually.

Eh? How did he know about that? Did Preeta teach him that ‘Petrol’ was girls’ new code-word for anything to do with wardrobe?

“So you will be the last to get paid. I’m so sorry about this, but we’re stuck in a place where we have to prioritize even the order in which we pay.”

I walked out of his office feeling terribly superficial and a little wronged.

But I did get paid on the 3^rd week of the month!