INTERVIEW

“HR Supremo?” Vijay called.
“Yes”, I answered.
“We need you to do something”
I sighed. It’s one thing to come up with a fancy sounding title and force people to address you by that, and it’s another matter altogether when they expect you to DO something.
“What is it Vijay?”
“Our interns are coming in tomorrow for an interview and we need you to sit in the panel.”
I blinked owlishly and my palms started sweating instantly.
“Huh? But, why?”
“Because you’re the HR ‘Supremo’ of SYNAMEN.”
I didn’t care too much for the obvious vocal quotes he dressed ‘Supremo’ with.
Wish my ego hadn’t galloped off on its own when Shreeram had asked me to take care of the HR Department. See? Now I was expected to DO something.
“What do I wear?”
Vijay wasn’t expecting this question I think.
“I mean, do I have to wear a saree or something?” I clarified.
To his credit, he kept his face neutral.
I’ve noticed that men don’t expect questions like this and when confronted with one, they immediately start imitating a statue.
Maybe I should have asked about the interview questions – but at that time, those seemed to be the least of my worries.
Salwar or Saree were the most pressing concern.
I’m like that only.

The next day, clad in a Salwar, I accompany Koman and Vijay to the office upstairs.
The interns have just finished their written test and Vijay is brandishing the rolled-up answer sheets like an Excalibur, as he talks to Koman.
I’m thankful they are involved in serious, technical, man-talk, because that means I can hyperventilate in private.
Thoughts like, ‘Do I smile or frown?’, ‘Do I pretend to take notes?’, ‘Do I speak in English or Tamil?’ and ‘What if an intern asks me something and I don’t know how to answer?’ keep flitting around in my mind.
I’m working myself up to a state where I think I’m going to vomit, when Vijay announces that we’re ready for our first candidate.
Oh help!
The lad enters and Koman and Vijay both turn around to look at me.
Huh?
‘What?’ I ask them telepathically.
They continue to look at me.
Obviously ESP is NOT one of their gifts.
I’m so worked-up, I want to run to the loo and throw-up in peace.
“This is Edel, our HR Head”, Vijay introduces me and nods encouragingly.
I flash – what I desperately hope is a terrifically competent smile - at the intern. “Where are you from?”
He answers.
“Which College are you from?”
He answers.
(‘Oh Lord! I’m running out of questions to ask!’)
“Which is your native place?”
He answers.
(‘Obviously NOT a chatty intern’ I think waspishly)
“Is this your first trip to Chennai?”
He answers.
(‘Sheesh boy! A little help here, please!’)
“Where are you staying?”
He answers.
Koman and Vijay continue to look at me asking inane questions.
Suddenly inspiration strikes.
“What are your hobbies?”
He answers in a couple of words this time.
Huh? That’s IT?
My mind runs dry.
I look intelligently at Vijay and Koman and say, ‘Now they’ll take-over the questioning.”
PHEW!
What follows sounds a lot like Alien-speak to me and I start playing little games to keep myself occupied.
Like, if I squint, Intern becomes ‘Blurry Intern’ or ‘Blurtern’.
If I close one eye and then the next, in quick succession, Vijay and Koman overlap and separate.
I crack my toe knuckles.
I glance at my reflection furtively on the glass of the door and mentally work out various hair-styles.
Mostly I try and stay awake.

Candidate Number 2 enters.
Koman and Vijay look at me.
“Where are you from?” I ask immediately.
To their credit, they don’t groan out loud.

WHY A MEDICAL DEGREE CAN BE CONFUSING IN A WEB-SOLUTIONS FIRM

Virus A

A’s lap-top is infected with a pornographic virus, with decidedly homophilic inclinations.
CS is fixing the problem and is trying to fit into the small crawl-space that passes for our booth. He asks me to move my lap-top aside and I misunderstand.
“My lap-top can get infected with the virus if I keep it close to hers?” I ask, and it actually takes CS 5 minutes to un-freeze from shock.


Virus B – Part 1

This time my lap-top’s infected.
Of course I make a Greek tragedy of it.
CS and Vijay are working on fixing it while I hover around them, hoping to be of some use.
“See? Do you see that CS? That worm keeps on running forever before my lappy officially opens. See? Huh? What?” I ask confused.
CS and Vijay both have studied-neutral looks on their faces.
“It’s called the ‘Progress Bar’ Edel”, Vijay informs me in a tone one reserves for children with special-needs.


Virus B – Part 2

“How come my computer got infected CS? I don’t watch porn!” … my logic, of course, being - promiscuous behavior = viral infection (See? This is how I’m trained to think)
Shreeram laughs from his end. Vijay joins in and Chucks puts in her ha’penny’s worth, “You are such a blonde Edel!”
Ho ho ho. Ha ha ha.
And I still don’t understand how these Viruses got in! Grrrrrrrr.


Virus B – Part 3

“Why didn’t you quarantine the viruses Edel?” CS asks me.
Vijay’s quivering with unexpressed mirth … like he can’t wait to hear my answer.
I decide to get as technical as possible, so I don’t appear completely clueless.
“The computer told me that my system will crash if I force-cleaned it. So I figured, if I quarantine the viruses, maybe that part of my computer will – you know – become gangrenous or something, and die.”
Shreeram started laughing first.


Virus B – Part 4

“Hey Vijay! Can you like stuff my lap-top full of anti-virus (Medicine? Prophylactics?) … er … thingys? That way, it’ll never get infected like this again!”
I’m thinking, ‘There’s no way he can make fun of this statement’, when Vijay cracks-up.
“You can only have one Anti-virus program running in a computer Edel. Just make sure to update regularly.”

WHY I AM AWESOME AND SYNAMEN IS LUCKY TO HAVE ME – Part Deux

I’d heard quite a bit about her from my sister.
That she loves movies as much as I do and can talk movies all day long.
I thought, ‘I like her already.’
We exchanged a couple of e-mails, we talked briefly on the phone and I met her for the first time in BBQ Nation, December 2008.

The next time I saw her was during the Women’s Film Festival, first week of March this year, in Sathyam Cinemas.
Dork that I am, I was watching the films and documentaries with a note-book in hand – taking the occasional notes. Archana called me and told me that she was running late and when she did finally walk in, I hid my note-book and pen in my ruck-sack …. Who needed an audience for ‘Nerdiness’, right?
We hugged like long-lost friends and ‘Hi’-ed, and settled down to watch a documentary about how difficult life was for single lesbians in Korea.
Then it was time for the iconic Mirch Masala.
Out of the corner of my eye ……….
I saw …………….
Archana …………………
bend down to open her bag and bring a notebook out!!!!!!!
It was A4 size note-book, ruled, front and back.
Wow !
She then proceeded to cover 7 pages with notes while watching the film – never losing track of both!
In the race for Nerdiness – I had just been beaten and HOW!

A month ago, Archana, aka Chucks, calls me and asks me if Sriram was hiring.
I said, “Sure, if you’ll work for free.” (Chuckle Chuckle Guffaw)
She stunned me with a “Sure!”
Blink …. Blink.
A hurried phone call to Sriram and then he calls her and VIOLA! Another woman in the SYNAMEN office, thanks to yours truly.

And that’s why I’m so wonderful.
[Maybe I should ask for a raise :D]

MOON CRACK AND BOYS

I'm packing-up for the day and getting ready to leave the office when CS and Vijay pop-up and ask me a surprising question.

"Edel you know that they've discovered water traces on the moon, right?"

I nodded gravely.

Of course I did.

I don't remember what errand I was to run for my mum on the way home, or what I was doing with my life, but SURE, I knew they've found water on the moon.

"Well, they've exploded a bomb on the moon, to find out if subterranean rocks have water traces on them." CS paused dramatically.

I tried to look impressed.

What is it about explosions and boys anyway? Anything violent and anything that goes BOOM, you'll find them salivating. You ask them an opinion about the shoe you're wearing and they become comatose.

I tried to look impressed.

I just wanted to go pee and leave the office.

"They cracked the moon."

WHAT????

Someone CRACKED the moon?

MY moon?

Just exploded a bomb there and 'cracked' it, like an egg?

I was so stunned I even forgot I had to pee.

CS and Vijay looked terrifically pleased with themselves; like as though they had personally pressed the button that had detonated the bomb on the moon.

I was at a complete loss for words - even inside my head - and if you know me, you'll realize how seldom THAT happens. I kept opening and closing my mouth, my hands clutching my chest, feeling bereaved because someone had cracked my moon.

Finally I spluttered, "Cracked the moon! Like cracking a walnut? Why? Why? Why would anyone do something like that? Did they want to crack it or was that like an accident? Why didn't they just drill a hole and take whatever moon-rock they fancied? How is this going to affect our weather and the tides? Which stupid country is responsible for this outrage?"

But CS was not finished. "You can go out and actually see the crack on the moon."

He imparted this piece of information like he was sharing the juiciest piece of Kollywood gossip.

WHAT!

:o

I can go out and see the crack on my moon?

SEE IT?

Just like that?

I can go outside and look up and I'll see the Moon's new CRACK?

I was outraged! The moral injustice of it all! The gall of these bounders that destroyed our moon - My moon - THE MOON!

Predictably I spluttered something incomprehensible, while CS and Vijay stood about watching - quite amused.

"Why? Why? Why?" I gasped, almost in physical pain by now.

"Because people are going to colonise the moon eventually", CS replied wisely and Vijay nodded even more wisely.

What is this?

A bizarre H. G. Wells inspired nightmare?

Finally it all came out in a torrent."How stupid and irresponsible are we, that we would leave a perfectly good planet with plenty of space to spare, to go and colonise a satellite that has neither the atmosphere or the resources to sustain life, when there's TONS of work to do right here!!!! There's this piddly little detail about the holes in the Ozone layer. Or how about starving children? Or even cholera? Why not fix this rubbish instead of flying off to somewhere else to form an artificial biosphere? Do these intelligent idiots even consider the minor detail about cost and effort????? They'll have to transport EVERYTHING to the moon! They'll have to transport water there in space ships and they have bring back their poop - in poopy space-ships!"

I was shrieking now and getting terrifically dramatic - my arms flying about the place and scrunching up my face to illustrate what I thought of poopy space-ships.

CS and Vijay cracked-up laughing.

I stopped my tirade to look at them blankly.

"Nothing nothing. You keep on talking", Vijay gasped and they roared with laughter.

BOYS!

SYNAMEN

It was one of those days when time drags its feet, the air is heavy with routine and you feel like you’re swimming against a tide of molasses.
Or …. You could say I was sleepy and be done with it.
Was Facebooking [big surprise that!] when there was a sound that can only be compared to someone going to town with a sledge hammer in a tin factory.
Sriram enters the room and catches me whiling my time away. He raises his eye-brows at me and I’m like, ‘Boss! Give me a break! How many times are you going to be shocked about my work ‘ethics’ – in that, I have none?’
I make a mental note to myself that I will practice the art of closing my Facebook and Gtalk pages on time whenever there’s authority nearby, when Sriram beckons me to follow him to his office upstairs.
I will call it ‘the walk of shame’ henceforth in my blog-posts, and you guys will understand what it means.
[Glossary: Walk of Shame – The short walk up the stairs to the Boss’s office after being caught wasting time]

“Do you know the meaning of the word ‘Synamen’, Edel?”
“It’s the name of the office and sounds like cinnamon” …. Seriously, was he trying to spook me with the whole Al Pachino’s, Michael Corleone routine? “Do you know the meaning of the word ‘Respect’, Edel?” and then POW … extra hole in the head L
“It’s really an interesting story”, he smiled a little vaguely, while spraying the room with Old Spice, ignoring my intelligent reply.
“We were trying to come up with a name that reflected our credo, that when like-minded people get together to work towards a common goal, they create miracles. Synergy between men creates magic.”
Sriram looked through me into far away as he continued.
“And it sounds like cinnamon. You’re right. When people get together, there’s a mix of flavors and when we’re all trying to achieve something bigger than us … we create a brotherhood of warm relationships. And Spices do that to food. Add flavor and warmth and make an otherwise ordinary dish – memorable and extraordinary.”
Wow
So that’s the story behind our name.
Synergy between men. Synamen. Relationships and unique flavors. Cinnamon. Synamen.
I had to smile.
What a lovely play with words!!!

Er ….. What about women? ;)

PROHIVE

Seriously, this is the most exciting concept I’ve heard.
And I’m PROUD to be associated with it.
Go SYNAMEN!!!!!!


Have you heard of that old story – it could be true or it could be a fable. But this is how it goes …..
Christopher Columbus was at a dinner hosted by the King and Queen of Spain, in honor of his discovery of the ‘Indies’.
There was a table full of aristocrats and Europe’s elite.
And they were belittling this great explorer’s achievement. Subtly of course and with great political correctness.
“Anyone could have done what Columbus has done”, they said with generous smiles.
“It just happened that it was him. I mean I could have done it too … had I thought of it.”
“What’s the big fuss about a spot of sailing and planting a flag on a shore?”
And so they talked and so Columbus kept his peace.
Then the great explorer said, “Ladies and gentlemen. I have a wager. I challenge any one of you fine folk to make this egg stand on one end - without support - and I will publicly declare that I am no hero.”
The Bourgeois scrambled to prove that they were the better.
And they all failed.
Finally, the loudest of the lot declared that this was an impossible task and collectively declared their defeat.

Columbus took the egg from the man, crushed it a little on one end and made the egg stand.
The room fell silent.



Every time I work on PROHIVE, I’m reminded of this story.
For PROHIVE is simplicity itself.
There was a need. My Bosses recognized it, have worked-out how to address this need and are now working feverishly towards launching a Portal that could very well revolutionize the way you and I do business over the net.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I take Great Pride in welcoming you all into the world of PROHIVE.

CHENNAI HEAT '09

Hello everyone,
SYNAMEN is proud to be associated with www.chennaiheat.com, the ONLY site where you can get all the info you need, about the hottest and coolest game to hit our shores in the recent past.
So visit the site and check out the biggest, baddest game of the year this weekend [2nd, 3rd and 4th October Elliot's Beach, Beasant Nagar] and you'll thank us for getting you started on your addiction.

Cheers,
Team Synamen

WHY I AM AWESOME AND SYNAMEN IS LUCKY TO HAVE ME ….. Part Une

So there’s Boss, talking to this gentleman who wants to rent Boss’s dad’s factory-space in Vellacherry.

As usual, Boss is talking – a lot.

And in the course of the conversation, the gentleman – Sunil - wants to know what SYNAMEN is currently involved in, and this, of course, prompts Boss to talk some more – it’s easy when someone loves the sound of his own voice so much.

Mr. Sunil appears very interested.

So Boss tells him to look our web-site up and read my Blog [ahem ahem …… I’ll just wait for the applause to die-down then ;)] …. which Mr. Sunil does and tells his wife to do ..... because, let's face it, The Blog is SPECTACULAR.

Now Vidhu, Mr. Sunil’s wife, is a Computer Programmer with an enviable track record and experience behind her. She’d decided to stay at home to take care of their daughter, Anna, for a few years, but now that Anna is old enough to go to school, Vidhu wanted to start working again.

So she reads my Blog and is at once impressed with SYNAMEN – Because of my Blog, not to overstate a point, that is.

She tells her husband, who gets in touch with Boss, who, in turn, invites her to come by to our office and have a look see at the place.

And she does ……

Later that evening, Boss calls me to his office and tells me that Vidhu had been keen on joining SYNAMEN after reading my Blog.

I tried hard not to preen – who am I kidding? I strutted around and felt like a million bucks.

Do you reckon I can ask for incentives?

I won’t get any, but it can’t hurt to ask ;)

ELECTRONICS AND COMMUNICATION

It was one of those afternoons when nothing seemed to be going according to plan [who am I kidding? When has there ever been a plan?] The words wouldn’t come and even a walk down to the corner tea-stall for a couple of fly-infested, oily samosas wouldn’t kick-start the old grey-cells.

Dejected I walked upstairs to Shreeram/Sriram’s office and stopped dead on my tracks.

Shreeram was busy typing while Sriram seemed to be crawling about the floor like a baby.

Eh?

Suddenly interested, I walked in and found Boss, armed with nothing but his Electronics and Communications Engineering degree, trying to fix his broken desk. Apparently he had rested too much of his weight on the roll-out key-board holder of his desk and it had buckled and crashed under the strain.

Fascinated, I watched as Sriram, doubled in half, maneuvered himself into the leg-space of his desk [bet the last time he was this folded, was when he was a foetus] trying to find the round ball-thingys that make the roll-out bit of his desk slide smoothly [what? I’m not the one with the Electronics and Communications Degree!]

“I need grease”, he murmured [when instantly the Bee Gees started playing inside my head] and started hunting about in his pen stand.

Boss keeps a spare dollop of grease in his pen-stand?

He studiously picked-up Fevistick and smeared a generous amount of it on the grids. Er …. I may not exactly have an Electronics and Communications degree, but I’m pretty certain that glue and grease are 2 different things altogether. I voice my concern and Sriram replies, “It’s glue for stamps but when you put it on metal, it’s a lubricant.”

Riiiiiiiiiiight.

Images of them trying to install The Calling-Bell flashed unbidden in my mind.

Morbidly fascinated I stood and watched Sriram gamely maneuver himself like those under-water, cave explorers in that small space and place the metal rod with the round thingys, only now smeared generously with Fevistick, and then …… a few minor adjustments later, the desk was fixed!!

Oh ye of little faith, Sriram’s expression seemed to say.

THE CURIOUS CASE OF THE MISSING CUSHIONS – PART TROIS

The case has been officially solved.

The person responsible for my cushions going AWOL is none other than Shreeram Raghuraman aka Iyer.

Apparently they had had some important people come to the office over the weekend and he decided that my cushions gave my booth a distinct ‘holiday-feel’ and didn’t lend itself to the whole professional ambiance of the place.

I mean, seriously!

What next? We’ll have to wear formals to work?

Name/Nick name: SHREERAM RAGHURAMAN aka IYER

Date of Birth: 4^th NOVEMBER, 1982

How long have you known each other? 7 YEARS

How long have you been friends? 7 YEARS

What do you admire most about the other 2? SRIRAM – HIS EAGERNESS TO ACHIEVE THINGS IN LIFE. CS – HIS HELPING TENDENCY.

Name one annoying characteristic of the other 2 you would like to change? SRIRAM AND CS – PUNCTUALITY!

Which animal do you resemble the most and why?

Your greatest achievement so far? BEING PART OF SYNAMEN

What's your favorite color? BLUE

What do you do to relax? WORK

What do your parents think of you? HOPING THAT I’LL START EARNING A FEW PENNIES AT LEAST IN THE NEXT COUPLE OF MONTHS

Theme song of your life? I LOVE MUSIC …. BUT NEVER REALLY THOUGHT OF A THEME SONG TILL NOW

When you eventually go bald what will you wash your head with, soap or shampoo? HOPE THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN, BUT IF AT ALL IT SHOULD, THEN SHAMPOO

Are you a wise-man or a wise-guy? OF COURSE A WISE MAN

What was your pet name when you were a kid? AHEM …. I NEVER HAD A PET, BUT WOULD ONE DAY LIKE TO OWN A HORSE [WHAT? THAT IS THE RIGHT ANSWER ISN’T IT?]

At the moment, what are you enjoying? High salary or job satisfaction? HIGH SALARY! I AM EARNING MORE THAN ANY CM IN INDIA!

Who would play you in a movie and why? KAMAL HASSAN …. HE TRIES HARD LIKE ME.

What would your life be like without Harry Potter? WHAT IS THAT …. A SWEET??? WHY SHOULD IT CHANGE MY LIFE?

Describe your body shape in geometric terms: CYLINDRICAL

Your favorite joke: I LOVE KOUNDAMANI’S JOKES … ESPECIALLY THE ONES IN THE MOVIE, ‘ULLATHAI ALLI THAA'

Name/Nick name: SRIRAM GOPAL aka G

Date of Birth: 19/09/1982

How long have you known each other? CS FOR 13 YEARS AND SHREERAM FOR 7 YEARS

How long have you been friends? THE SAME NUMBER OF YEARS I’VE KNOWN THEM

What do you admire most about the other 2? CS; HIS PATIENTS IN TOLERATING ME. SHREERAM; HIS FRANKNESS

Name one annoying characteristic of the other 2 you would like to change? CS - NEVER OPENS UP. HE IS THE ‘SECRET-BOOK’. SHREERAM - SOMETIMES HE’S TOO ANNOYINGLY FRANK

Which animal do you resemble the most and why? BULL BECAUSE OF MY STUBBORNNESS.

Your greatest achievement so far? BRAINWASHED 2 FRIENDS TO LEAVE THEIR WELL-PAID JOBS TO START SYNAMEN. THAT’S WHEN I REALIZED I HAD THE POWER OF THE GAB. AND NOW WE ALL WORK FOR NO SALARY.

What's your favorite color? BLACK

What do you do to relax? THINK OF A DIFFERENT PROBLEM TO ESCAPE FROM THE CURRENT ONE

What does your father think of you? HE’S CURIOUS TO KNOW WHAT I AM UP TO

Theme song of your life? ‘MAA, THUJE SALAM’ A. R REHMAN

When you eventually go bald what will you wash your head with, soap or shampoo? I USE SHAMPOO NOW

Are you a wise-man or a wise-guy? A MAN GETTING TO BE WISE

What was your pet name when you were a kid? I REFUSE TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION

At the moment, what are you enjoying? High salary or job satisfaction? SALARY? SATISFACTION? WHAT ARE THOSE?

Who would play you in a movie and why? GEORGE CLOONY BECAUSE HE COPIES MY STYLE

What would your life be like without Harry Potter? PEACEFUL [I HATE HARRY POTTER … I’M LOOKING TO REMAKE THIS MOVIE AS HARRY DAUGHTER]

Describe your body shape in geometric terms: MOLTEN CYLINDER

Your favorite joke: An entreprenuer goes to a fortune teller and wants to know his start up's future.

Fortune teller: Oh my god! Your start up and you are going to have a very hardtime for the next three years!!

The Entrepreneur: Oh! thats horrible!! But, what happens after the three years???

Fortune Teller: What else..

You will just get used to it.. :)

Name/Nick name: C SUBRAMANIAM aka CS

Date of Birth: 18^th NOVEMBER 1981.

How long have you known each other? SRIRAM GOPAL FOR 13 YEARS AND SHREERAM FOR 5 YEARS.

How long have you been friends? THE SAME LENGTH OF TIME.

What do you admire most about the other 2? WITH SRIRAM I ADMIRE THE WAY HE THINKS AND HIS DETERMINATION TO MAKE AN IMPACT. AS FOR SHREERAM, IT’S HIS INCREDIBLE CONFIDENCE.

Name one annoying characteristic of the other 2 you would like to change? SRIRAM’S THOUGHT PROCESS AND HIS URGE TO MAKE AN IMPACT AND SHREERAM’S CONFIDENCE.

Which animal do you resemble the most and why? A DOG BECAUSE I WOULD RATE LOYALTY AS MY STRONGEST VIRTUE.

Your greatest achievement so far? BEING A PART OF SYNAMEN.

What's your favorite color? YELLOW …. AND DON’T ASK ME WHY.

What do you do to relax? WATCH MOVIES.

What do your parents think of you? THAT I’M SLIGHTLY MENTALLY DERANGED.

Theme song of your life? FAITH OF THE HEART (PATCH ADAMS SOUNDTRACK) ROD STEWART/ IRIS BY THE GOO GOO DOLLS

When you eventually go bald what will you wash your head with, soap or shampoo? SHAMPOO BECAUSE IT TASTES GOOD.

Are you a wise-man or a wise-guy? A WISE ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN A FOOLISH SOMETHING

What was your pet name when you were a kid? SUBRA

At the moment, what are you enjoying? High salary or job satisfaction? OBVIOUSLY JOB-SATISFACTION [LOL]

Who would play you in a movie and why? TOM CRUISE … BECAUSE HE’S INTO SCIENTOLOGY [HE SEEMS TO BE TERRIBLY CONFUSED, LOL]

What would your life be like without Harry Potter? JUST THE SAME? [WHAT’S THE MEANING OF THIS QUESTION?]

Describe your body shape in geometric terms: CYLINDRICAL

Your favorite joke: A BIRD IN THE HAND MAKES OT HARD FOR YOU TO BLOW YOUR NOSE.

THE CURIOUS CASE OF THE MISSING CUSHIONS – PART UN

I walk into the office and I can’t find my cushions!!

No need to panic Edel, I tell myself. You’ve weathered worse storms. They are bound to be here somewhere.

I type out an e-mail to Sriram, trying desperately to sound nonchalant and professional “Hey Sriram, SOMEONE’S STOLEN MY CUSHIONS! I WANT THEM BACK. FIND OUT WHO STOLE THEM AND GIVE THEM BACK TO ME!”

Well okay. So it wasn’t all that nonchalant. But there’s only so much shock a girl can take when she walks into the office on a Monday morning.

I can’t work.

A] Because I’m traumatized that someone would steal from me! [What did I ever do to anyone?]

B] And I can’t type without my cushions. My elbows hurt when I place them on the wooden tables and I need my 20 minutes of afternoon, post-lunch shut-eye.

I look at everyone in the office suspiciously. Could it be Him? He’s been eyeing them for a while. How about Him? Sneaky fellow that! Or Him? Could be …. Hmmmm …. I’ve seen him stretch his back and groan a couple of times when he’s working.

Today it’s my cushions. What’s next? Hector the Thinking Hedgehog? Theodore the Tiny Teddy? Flip! This is like a crime-wave!

The pressure’s too much.

So I march up to Sriram’s office to confront him and take the bull by the horns. Who am I kidding? I went to complain and snitch.

Sriram and Shreeram are busy working. I know they are busy because they both look like they’ve been munching on neem leaves and because Sriram forgot to spray the room with Old Spice when he saw me enter [something he does on automatic pilot before anyone can complain about toilet smell in his office] – either that or we’ve just hit a new low and he can’t afford bottled good-smells anymore.

Poop!

But I was committed to the cause and set my face like flint and proceeded to prepare to lament.

“Edel, I read your e-mail and ignored it. Is there anything else?”

THIS is why one needs to have a back-up plan!

I mumble something about the Give Life Marathon and meet mixed reception.

Deflated, I walk down to my station.

Looks like the ball’s in my court. I am going to have to solve this mystery by myself.

Watch this space for further updates on the cushions. The battle may have been lost but there’s still a war to be won and JUSTICE WILL PREVAIL!

SIGN-BOARD 23/7/2009

Big day for the Synamen Office.

Our sign-board went up.

I was sitting in my booth when CS popped his head over the partition and told me that Sriram and Shreeram were ready for the meeting (I mean, seriously! Can’t Synamen function without me, even for a second? Apparently not!)

Trying not to look too smug I marched importantly upstairs and Shreeram and Sriram were sitting there with an impressive array of computer screens around them, looking not-at-all like hackers – what a pity that!

We talked in length about PROHIVE’s features and the various possible competitors. I presented them with possible new features and they argued the feasibility factor with each other – knowing that the technical details would be lost on me anyhow.

Invigorating.

It was amazing to see the way these guys’ minds worked. One bounced an idea off the other and the other came up with pros and cons.

I felt like I was sitting in a tennis match watching the two of them power the ball to the other side.

While they talked, I flashed-back [movie style] to the day when Sriram first explained PROHIVE to me.

Who would have thought that from these 4 sheets of paper, these guys would have been able to create a portal that is going to revolutionize the way Creative Professionals are going to be doing business in the future?!

I certainly didn’t!

I felt like I was part of a ‘big picture’. Felt like I was part of a revolution.

I heard my voice say, ‘The change is coming’ [curiously in Sylvester Stallone’s voice] inside my head and got all goose-pimply all over.

“Edel, please pay attention” …. Sriram’s voice snapped me back to the here and now, but I continued to carry that special-glow-feeling.

The meeting went on for a while, and I when it finished, I came out a lot more impressed than I had been in the beginning.

A half hour later, I was sitting at my desk, when CS said, “You know that our sign is going up right? Why don’t you go and take some pictures?”

(Why am I always the last one to know anything?)

I ran upstairs and there were a couple of guys putting the Synamen sign-board up, from the balcony [thank goodness my bosses didn’t decide that – like that incident with ‘The Calling Bell’ - their Electronics and Communications Degree somehow qualified them to hanging off like Cliffhanger from the balcony and installing the sign-board]

I got slightly misty-eyed [thank God for auto-focus on my camera]

I was feeling all Synamen-y and the special-glow-feeling came back full force.

Looking at them, standing on the street, looking up at the sign [that they thankfully hired someone else to install] I couldn’t help but be amazed at these guys. Their strength and their determination to make something of their lives. To not just be, but also to actively become.

I left them to their moment.

On their way back to the office, Sriram said, “We’ll just sell Edel’s kidney to pay for the sign. It’s not like she needs 2 kidneys to sit in one place and Facebook all day long.”

That warm feeling, it disappeared in a flash.

THE CURIOUS CASE OF THE MISSING CUSHIONS – PART DEUX

Following a tip I received from CS this morning, I found my cushions!

They were hidden in the back row of the office, under a desk.

Who would have done such a thing? What kind of a world are we living in?

Cushions in hand, I stalked back to my station, noting smugly how everyone fearfully kept their eyes glued to their computer screens.

This is not over …. Not by a long shot!

Not till the guilty party is found!!!!!!

JUSTICE WILL PREVAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FLY ON THE WALL

Sriram’s called me to his office upstairs. I'm not feeling too good about this because, it is just a few minutes AFTER Sriram's caught me Facebooking/G-talking – AGAIN – instead of working. AGAIN being the bazillionth time AFTER I've been explicitly told that Facebooking/G-talking was against office policy.

Oh GULP.

Stupid Office Policy.

CS gets another call and he pops his head over the partition. I’m wanted in the office NOW.

My back sweating slightly, I walk upstairs trying to school my face into a mask of innocence.

Sriram’s on the phone and he motions me to sit down while he doodles on his diary and takes the call. “Oh Goody”, I think, “More time to stew.”

I decide that the plan was going to be, DENY EVERYTHING. Deny even having a Facebook/G-talk account. And the guiltier I am, the more vehemently I would deny all charges.

As plans went, I realized that there were more holes than plan in mine, but at least I felt armed.

Sriram’s doodle now covered an entire page. Looked like he was designing something for a carpet manufacturer. A carpet manufacturer who hopefully didn't have eyes.

The call ended and Sriram turns around to smile at me.

(That’s a good sign …. Isn’t it? Smiling? GULP)

“Edel. I’ve thought of something. You’re addicted to Facebook. Looks like there’s nothing we can do about that. So how about if we use it for our advantage? Synamen’s advantage?”

Eh?

“You remember the new marketing strategies and ideas you came up with to promote PROHIVE?”

Vaguely.

“So write a blog about us. About Synamen. About PROHIVE. About how you feel working in this office, being the only fe – er – woman here. Tell all your Facebook friends to read it. And if they are anything like you, they’ll promote it to others during their office hours (That’s hitting below the belt, I thought. True, but hitting below the belt nevertheless) We could use all the help we can get just about now.”

Sooooooooo ……..

I look at Sriram and Sriram looks at me.

“What?”

I blink. “Er. Nothing. This is unexpected that’s all”

“Well I had to think of some way to use your addiction to our advantage.”

OUCH.

Cheap-shot that.

So I’m now sitting in front of my ‘puter and writing this. BLOG.

A blog about my office and my colleagues. A fly on the wall account of what happens everyday.

Hmmmmmm. This could well turn-out to be very interesting.

New FB Status Message: ‘I have the coolest job in the whole world. I’m going to write a Blog about my office and get paid for it too’

Sriram rolls his eyes as he passes my booth. Ooops.

HOW DIFFERENT THE WORLD WOULD BE IF THERE WERE ONLY MEN AROUND

When you are the only woman in an office bursting at the seams with men, you can’t help but marvel at the difference between the genders.

Men are different from women.

I mean like totally!

- For instance, they don’t care if someone else takes their chair. I even conducted an experiment so I know I’m not lying. When they were off for their lunch, I randomly re-arranged their chairs. When they came back, they sat down, and went to work. No fire-works. No shocked exclamations.

That’s how strange men are.

Women would have felt something different in a jiffy, exclaimed loudly and gone about sitting on one chair after another till they found the one that was theirs.

- Men don’t decorate their work-space. No posters, no gem-stone stickers on their computers, no pictures of their dogs, no colorful pen-stands, no nothing.

- When men work, they don’t talk. They walk in, remove their wallets from their back-pockets, lay that on the table and start pounding away at the computer.

- Men don’t care for cushions. If the world was filled with just men, there wouldn’t be any cushions in it. And nothing frilly and fluffy either. They also don’t care to carry chap-sticks and hand-creams.

- Men answer questions directly and to the point.

- They offer to share their food with you.

(I don’t.)

- When you take photos of men, they gamely pose and let you get on with it. There’s no ‘I’m having a bad hair day!’ or ‘Let me powder my face first!’ wails.

- They flatten themselves against the walls when you pass them on a narrow hallway.

- When you ask them technical questions they use the, ‘I’m talking to a special-needs-6-year-old’ voice to explain.

- They don’t interrupt each other when they talk.

- No matter what they wear, all their clothes look the same.

- Their phones do a lot more stuff than mine and look fancier too.

- They are better at hiding Facebook/G-talk on their computers.

INTERVIEW ?

I met Sriram about a year ago – in August 2008 - when I joined his Cuban salsa course. My sister Princy, was his fellow instructor and I was promised free classes. I had recently quit being a doctor and was listlessly drifting through life.

I wasn’t complaining though.

Sriram bounded in – late, as usual – like an energizer-bunny and started class.

Things I noticed about Sriram off-the-bat:-

- he talked a lot [a lot more than any man I’ve ever known]

- had way too much energy than he knew what to do with

- was built like a truck

- he was firm without being strict and made sure everyone KNEW the steps before they left class – and I mean EVERYONE.

- and he had a bad back

He lay down on the ground after class, groaning like T-rex, complaining about his back-ache. ‘What do you think I should do doc?’

So we have an impromptu consultation and then he asked me what I’d been doing to keep myself occupied.

Princy jumped in with, “She likes to write. She writes all the time”

He looked up at me perched on the window-sill, from where he lay on the dance-floor, like a vanquished wrestler and said, “You know what? I may have something for you. I have a web-tech company and we’re launching this search engine that’s centered on India and India’s needs. It’s called 'Yo Monk'.”

He went on to explain 'Yo Monk' to me in great detail and I actually understood little bits and pieces of it, here and there. Mostly I just nodded sagely and he assumed I knew a lot more than I actually did.

As we walked-out to the elevator, Sriram said, “We should have coffee sometime next week and we’ll discuss your pay and your work in greater detail”

(Eh? Did I just get a job?)

A couple of weeks later, Sriram walked into the Coffee house – late – and launched into another soliloquy about 'Yo Monk'. I’d had 2 weeks to get used to the whole ‘I’m employed again feeling’, even though I had no clue what I would do, or how I would do, that which I didn’t understand fully.

He illustrated on a piece of paper - till it shreaded - and punched the air with his pen and talked passionately, for almost an hour.

I was completely over-whelmed.

I have no computer back-ground, no technical knowledge, no ambition and would hate to mess this up.

(Oh help!!!!)

“You can work from home or you can come to our Synamen (OUR SYNAMEN?!?) office. That’s entirely up to you. We can e-mail you the content we need modifying and you can e-mail the finished product back to us.”

(Oh help!!!!)

I nodded – not knowing fully what I was nodding to.

“Great! That’s settled then” (It is?) “Now about your pay. An editor (I’m an EDITOR?!?) in a regular company usually takes home about 30 grand a month Edel. We can’t afford that. What we can pay you is X and when we grow – and I guarantee you we will, one way or other – you will get what’s your due.” (My due? I have a ‘due’?)

“Er … okay.” I mumbled like an idiot.

“Look Edel, it’s like this. I have no clue if what Synamen’s about to do will work or not. If it does, GREAT! If it doesn’t, we’ll shrug, smile stupidly and walk away knowing that at least we tried. But at the end of the day, we would have tried and that’s what will differentiate us from the 85% who never will.”

Sriram walked out saying he was – surprise, surprise – late for another meeting and I mulled over what he’d just said.

Maybe ……………

THE STORY OF HOW ‘THE CALLING BELL’ CAME TO BE

Once upon a time there was a young man called Mahesh. He worked for Odyssey, taking care of their warehouse in Kottivakkam … the warehouse building managed by a young man called Sriram. His dad actually owns the place.

Their paths cross one day – er – not very dramatically I’m afraid (Dang! But wouldn’t it have been amazing is Mahesh had pushed Sriram out of the way of a speeding truck or saved him from being attacked by vicious dogs or something? Don’t these guys know that I have to write a blog about them and the material they give me is so blah sometimes? No fore-thought for these men, I tell you …. Hey! That can be my new status update on Facebook “Employers have no fore-thought”)

So they meet and smile in passing, as people tend to do [Please read-on in spite of the yawns. I promise you, it gets interesting]

One day the Odyssey people decide that they want to vacate the premise and Mahesh is in a fix. He’s a young man with a family to support! So – enterprisingly – he hands over his CV to Sriram who wants to employ Mahesh – in the newly-moved-in Synamen office in Nungambakkam - but doesn’t know what to employ him as.

Mahesh makes it easy by saying, “I’ll do any job sir!”

Obviously the trend in Synamen being, ‘No Conventional Interviews’ – remember how I got MY job? – Mahesh becomes the receptionist with a flashy green wall behind him and a funky curved table in front.

So every morning (Ahem - or afternoon - as the case maybe) when I walk through the door, there’s the sweetest guy to smile at, on entering the office.

Then suddenly something happened!

Vasanth – our designer – was leaving us! Vasanth is a young boy, who was studying in an Animation College in the evenings (who seemed terrified of me, for some strange reason) and he was looking for work. Obviously my 3 Bosses came to his rescue. They offered him a job – as usual - and paid him a salary for an entire year. Their logic being, ‘Ethethukko panam sellavu pannurom. Oru payyan munnukku vara sellavu pannuna nallathuthane?’ {We spend money on so many things. If we spend that on one young man’s progress, that’s good isn’t it?} Oh did I mention that Vasanth put no product out the entire year he was in Synamen?

Now Vasanth was leaving, and Mahesh – who had expressed an interest in wanting to join the IT team - got Vasanth’s computer and a new post as the HTML guy … Because:

A] There was now a spare computer - and we hate waste ;)

B] Bosses have not employed anyone recently and were feeling bored ….. So decided to launch ‘Synamen’s Employee Development Program’ with Mahesh.

But that left a vacant receptionist place, and that means anyone can enter the office unawares, and steal … er … nothing.

Oh, or maybe hold us all hostage! What? That COULD happen!

Which is when the Bosses came-up with the idea for - “A Calling Bell for the Office” and a 'Locked Door at all times' policy.

Now …. This is how men’s mind work. They like anything with wires and switches. They like to ‘build’ stuff and make things work. The bigger the mess they make – the more important it is that which they are doing. They like to talk technical and they all like to pitch-in.

(We women would just call an electrician and be done with it, but mention THAT and you have stepped on some seriously tender man-toes!)

So they all make man-noises, pound themselves importantly on their man-chests and promptly decide that The Calling Bell would be installed by them.

Because they are Electronics and Communication Engineers, on top of being men. Potent, killer-combination that!

(I just noticed that we have no Fire Extinguishers and Emergency Exits in this office!!!! HEALP!!)

THE CALLING BELL

Major crisis at the Synamen office.

The Calling Bell is being installed!!!! (What are we going to do? What are we going to do?)

Personally I don’t see what the fuss is all about.

But as I walk-up the flight of stairs that leads to the office, there’s Vijay fiddling with an impressive bunch of colorful wires that look like they’ve exploded from inside the switch box.

“What are you doing Vijay?”

“Installing The Calling Bell” he replies, smiling vaguely in my direction while concentrating on the wires.

“Oh right” I mumble stupidly and walk in. (I didn’t know that Mahesh was no longer the receptionist till later… Tcha …. No one tells me anything around here!)

The office is in a mild up-roar. The men all file past my booth on their way out to watch Vijay fiddle with the wires.

Chuck-it! I’m going to watch as well!

Three things become apparent immediately.

1] Vijay is no electrician

2] No one in the office is an electrician

3] They all want to fiddle with the wires

“The blue wire is the live one”

“What does the yellow do?”

“Connect this lead to that … like this. Right. Now ring the bell”

The light comes on.

“Oh”

Then another flurry of activity, advice and fur-flying.

“Can’t you guys just call an electrician and be done with it?” Of course everyone pretends to not hear me and I stand around – the only one content to just watch and not pitch in – feeling silly for being blessed with common-sense.

It sounds like a bull charging around a china-shop and Sriram enters. Oh no!

He grabs the spanner-thingy from Vijay and looks at the wires very intelligently. He crosses one wire with the next – in spite of Vijay’s “Anna, we’ve tried this before” - and asks Mahesh to turn the switch on from the inside.

The light comes on.

“Oh”

The tea arrives and they all stand around sipping tea and looking thoughtful while tossing technical terms about, which would have been impressive if they hadn’t all just managed to turn the light-bulb on instead of installing The Calling Bell.

“Wouldn’t the house owner be mad that you guys are going to town with his wires?” – I’m ignored of course.

“Maybe you should just call the house-owner and get him to look at this” – What am I? Invisible?

Sriram leaves –Phew! – because he’s late for an appointment (Big Surprise that) and Shreeram takes over – Oh no! He’s very studious and has an elaborate chat with Vijay – who’s progressively beginning to act like a proud parent with the wires. They criss-cross the wires this way and that and finally Shreeram walks away stating that we should just knock loudly and pray to be let in.

CS takes over now – and I thought he was the sanest of the bunch! Vijay proudly explains how, no matter what they do, the light always comes on, but The Calling Bell never rings. CS, rakes his hair a couple of times and then runs his fingers down his face a few times in agony. “This is such a waste of time!” and walks away.

WOW …. There IS some reason left in the world after-all.

2 days later the electrician comes in and installs The Calling Bell. For 50 Rupees.

Poor Vijay!

PAY DAY

I know I will be the last one to get paid in my office.

How do I know this? This is how ……..

It was week number 3 of the month before and I was yet to get paid.

Did they forget? Are they ignoring me? Are they punishing me for Facebooking so much?

What????

I send an e-mail to Sriram. “Hey Boss, may I please get paid for last month? I need money for petrol”

I hit “SEND” and THEN feel like poop!

I mean c’mon! These guys work so hard and are in the office day in and day out, working 16 hours at a stretch sometimes, to launch PROHIVE and here I am adding one more burden to their overflowing bag of woes!

Shreeram, CS and Sriram haven’t had a pay-cheque in 2 years!!!!!

What kind of a leach am I?

I’m low. Lower than a snake’s belly-button.

These guys are doing something with their lives and I’m drifting along … on my good days!

How can I be so mean and un-understanding? So callous? So un-charitable? So un-Christian?

I look around guiltily and try not to picture my poor bosses standing in line to sell their blood to pay me.

CS pops his head over the partition. I’m wanted upstairs.

Guilt weighing my shoulders down, I trudge the stairs and enter Sriram’s office.

He asks me sit down and proceeds to spray the room liberally with Old Spice, to remove the toilet-stench that infuses his office [the rest-room’s just across his office and these 2 rooms are each other’s ventilation]

I squirm.

Poor Boss. Can’t even afford a room-freshener!

The mental image of them standing in line to sell blood, to pay for my ‘petrol’, flashes in my mind and I wince once again. How am I going to sleep at night?

“Edel, this is how it is”

Oh help!!!!

“What little we make we’re pumping back into Synamen. There are 9 guys working their butts off for PROHIVE, because we need to launch it yesterday. Vijay needs to take care of his father’s hospital bills. Mahesh is the sole bread-winner of his family and he has twins. Thamizh annan has just had a baby. Paramaesh makes just enough to make ends meet. You …..”

GULP!!!

“…… are going to spend your money on shoes”

Clothes actually.

Eh? How did he know about that? Did Preeta teach him that ‘Petrol’ was girls’ new code-word for anything to do with wardrobe?

“So you will be the last to get paid. I’m so sorry about this, but we’re stuck in a place where we have to prioritize even the order in which we pay.”

I walked out of his office feeling terribly superficial and a little wronged.

But I did get paid on the 3^rd week of the month!